Playlist of things to grind your teeth to

I am terrified of:
professors//emails//alarm clocks//girls//dream journals//five dollar bills//my right arm//failure//my left arm

I am terrified because
growing stings
but I know I have to do it

And not the way that I have to
wash my face twice daily
(wait for it to fold in on itself tomorrow)
watch my language
(even though it’s my language that’s watching me)
stay above water
(even though my knees have always been soaked in it)

I have to grow
have to sting
have to absorb water
have to live through the nausea
if I want to stay on this
mess of spin and dirt

I don’t know if I was meant
for this world of boys carrying
armfuls of protein powder
and girls wearing their categories
dangling from their wrists
dancing to every song
with their hands flung to the sky

I don’t know if I was meant
for this world that I run away from every night
hiding behind kitchen exits
drawing maps just to feel real again

– I want to start walking tonight
– I want to spend my whole life writing about five square feet
– I want to get married
– I want to vow never to kiss again
– I want to walk backwards until I bump into something that reminds me of myself
– I want to run until my lungs are as loud as I am
– I want to photograph my thumb every day and call that art enough
– I want to go home
– I want to eat Spanish rice on grass that I’m allergic to
– I want to stay here forever
– I want to live in a tall black house with pointed roofs
– I want to scream so loud that all the bricks in all the buildings are forced to dance with each other like the day they first met
– I want to keep my mouth shut for thirty years until I find something worth saying
– I want
– I want
– I want
(and if nothing else makes me alive, at least I have that)

2 thoughts on “Playlist of things to grind your teeth to

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