This is where I forgive you

{There will always be nights for escape
but there won’t always be nights
where I can close my eyes
and make it to two fistfuls of places
where it is safe for me
to turn my stomach inside out
and wash it with lavender soap

There won’t always be nights
across from the table that I fled to
on the morning that my fears
were dropped next to me
in two oversized cardboard boxes
while I sat on the curb with a map and sharpie
crossing out places that I could no longer return to
until the map was half ink
and I only remembered how to sign letters with x’s}

But this isn’t where I describe the fall
for the third time today
this is where I forgive you

This is where I decide to stop
holding that morning over a lighter
and expecting it to do something
other than contorting
crumbling and making a mess out of anything
that I’ve managed to create since then

This is where I stop repeating
that light sprouted from the darkness
because while it did
while it always does
what we really need to talk about
is that this anger is bulky

This is where I admit
that this anger is all over my bedroom
cluttered to the point
that I hardly get a good look at myself in the mirror
hardly get any work done
hardly calm down enough to lie in bed
and kiss a beautiful girl
without checking under the mattress
to make sure nothing crawls out

This is where I forgive you
because my dorm room will be small
because there are more heartbreaks to make room for
and I’m going to need space for my books and lipstick

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